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October 28th, 2005

12:32 pm fun times lol.... last night hung out with the best people ever... had a little too much fun i must say... but all fun comes to an end... mine did when it all caught up with me and i got sicker then i have ever been... then i had to come home, and my parents thought it would be funny to video tape me... but us girls did look mighty hott so cant wait till we get the pics... tonight its gonna be a BLAST... scary movie saw 2 followed by the best haunted house and forest ever with the best people... tomm. will be even better with the costume party... i love erica, natalie, rachel, duffy, my sheesh, gregory haha, and adam oh soooo much! ~*Rachael*~ Current Mood: a little sick but super excitd Current Music: greenday, old school stuff

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August 24th, 2005

11:10 am post on my life in fast summary... ive been working tons... erica now lives up here, her and natalies apartment is amazing, seriously one of the hottest apartments ever... i miss my second mom, it was sad taking ericas mom to the airport monday, i feel like i need her here. saturday was the closest i have ever felt to depressed in my life... so much that i couldnt even hide it at work and everyone there noticed... i came home and fell apart.... i talked to my stepdad though, weird huh, i dont usually talk to him, but by sunday i felt all better.... i spent yesterday sick... i felt like shit all day... horrible... i went in to work for 2 hours, but i was soooo weak and sore from having no nutrition in me, i just went home... today i feel refreshed, but i feel horrible... with me feeling how i did yesterday i completally forgot the importance of yesterday... rememberance.... ashley, im sorry, when you called last night about us going to our spot and i was already in bed, and i didnt feel well, and i said well lets just go tomm... i didnt think about the significance of yesterday, i wish i would have gotten up and talked to you... call me today, we will do our 7-11 thing, and then hit up our spot for a much needed convo... with yesterday coming i have realized once again, life is too short... i would honestly be sooo sad to ever lose anyone i care about, even the ones i have had problems with, i can guarentee i would be left with only regret and heartache to wake up tomm. with news that you were no longer here... it would be impossible not to once you were close with someone at one point in life, you cant just forget them.... but like you tell me all the time i have brought that stuff upon myself... my new life goal, work on my actions, have little regret, and be like ashley and have LOTS of hope for people... ~*Rachael*! PS: im still really missing him, but i just cant afford to go see him =( Current Mood: blank Current Music: dashboard

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August 11th, 2005

11:23 pm - And i swear ill know your face in the crowd, and ill hear your voice aloud, when your wispering... i love ashley duffy, to start... we have a spot now, its sooo great because when we need eachother most we can just be like hey, meet me at our spot at such and such time and we can just talk or cry or whatever we want to together... today was SOOOOO hard and sad.... i was just downstairs really missing aaron, i was looking through my cell phone and i saw his name wishing i could just call him and talk to him, but i cant, hes in the airforce now in basic and yeah he has VERY little communication abilities well all of a sudden my phone went off with this weird number, and im like whos this.... i answered, heard a voice... i said "is this aaron?????" and hes like yeah baby, and i started to cry sooo hard, i told him how much i miss him, how hard this is.... he only had a couple minutes to talk to me.... but gosh im sooo thankful i atleast got that.... hearing his voice really made it worse trying to not feel sad over him, but i dont care... i miss him... i just try to hide it sometimes so i dont have to feel sooo miserable.... i wish me and derek were still good friends, i wish i could just call him sometimes and talk to him about this because he was such good friends with aaron and we could just talk about fun time with aaron, and that way i could be more happy, but i just feel like i cant and i hate feeling like that.... im GOING to see him graduate in september from basic... i need to, i want to, and it will be great.... he said to me today that he wanted to me to and he even offered to pay, and i just fell apart more.... on another note... i went to hooters tonight and saw landon and ben and people.... it was sooo great seeing landon.... i miss him soooo much, i really do, i miss him being a big part of my life... we seperated from everyone for a few and just talked.... we are going to go to dinner i think monday night and just catch up some... i really need a GOOD true guy friend right now.... well im going to go and listen to music and write aaron... tomm i have a busy list of stuff to do... fun fun... but as for the night, id unno yet but i really should go out... i havnt done much since aaron left and thats not healthy... Current Mood: gloomy Current Music: underoath

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August 10th, 2005

11:55 pm - its OUR spot now!!! right duffy??? lol so i have been working sooooo much lately, seriously im worn out... tonight was sooo much fun... i think a peice of every wednesday from now on is dedicated to duffy and me, because it seems to be our day of choice to get together and "talk" like only we can lol... last week was beaners... this week was a new spot, cause well beaners was closed... its at the old high school... theres these new sweet ass swing things that they have and we called dibs on them.... tonight was a good convo... one thing we talked about, i just want to put it out there one more time how truly sorry i am about something that happend a few months ago... i really am... we have both been really immature about this, and im STILL here if you ever would like to face it.... no rush... but i just thought i would tell you one more time because im just ready to close that chapter for the better and move on to more happy times... we have all grown up sooo much... we both have mutual girl friends who are reallly great and i dunno talking with duffy tonight has brought it to my attention how our rift affects more then just me and you and im not saying we should jump right back into everything, but atleast consider slowly moving in that direction and building up the trust again... just something to considering thinking about. well people work at 7:30.... YAY... NOT.... im exhausted... i miss aaron, but im getting to the point where i dont want to face it anymore... i dunno what to do... i just wish he never left and i didnt have to wonder about what i should be doing with my life and whats right and wrong.... his decision has affected me soo much more then i think i even realized... my bestest will be here sunday for good.... gosh i cant wait... i need her, shes my other half and she makes me stronger... ~*Rachael*~ Current Mood: content Current Music: greenly estates (a band at warped tour)

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August 8th, 2005

02:21 am - so this is how growing up feels???? okay so i hadnt cried since tuesday, until today.... aarons mom called me today to inform me that aaron had called with the address to where we can send his letters... she said you could tell it was him but he sounded like a robot, like emotionless and as if he was reading straight from something... it started out on the answering machine and when she picked up and started talking to him, he didnt even respond to what she would say, that he would just say what he needed to and then when she said aaron i love you, he just say good-bye.... i started to cry, i dont want him to change that much... i really miss him, i need him here with me... im starting to grow up some and im changing and maturing and i dunno, im not ready to pick a new life without him... i dont really want to... im meeting guys that seriously are a waste of my time... like the guys i met tonight with hannah, they are just such smart asses and i dunno, just not my cup of tea... but i guess those type of people make me appreciate the guy i had more... i think im going to be on a rollar coaster the weeks to come with life and how i feel about stuff... because i might think one second im feeling one way, but the next its another... i had a talk with my stepdad tonight.... i never thought he was stupid about the things i do, i just never really tell him details to stuff like i did my mom... i guess i never thought he would understand and that he would just judge and get defensive of me... but i think hes realizing that any experience i have had, although he didnt elaborate on how much hes aware of or not, he sees im growing and maturing... he just doesnt want me to get into the habbits of lieing and getting myself in situations that i cant take back that will leave me with regrets... i really enjoyed our conversation.. i didnt have to say much but i listened.... its weird, i feel like im hiting a point in life where i think my parents, or atleast him, are going to understand me better... i love ashley duffy right now... for some reason, we seem to get into the most deepest of conversations... we have this understanding for the other, i dunno, i cant explain it... i think we need to get together soon though and catch up... its been since wednesday since we have really gotten to have a deep convo.... well i need to write aaron and go to bed, i have a long work week ahead of me... night night ~*Rachael*~ Current Mood: gloomy Current Music: hawthorne heights

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August 2nd, 2005

02:09 pm - My, nickels have turned to white, theres not turning back tonight, so KISS me one last time!!!!!!!! I am falling apart, i dont know what to do... yesterday was by far one of the hardest days of my life.... when i left aaron sunday i said something to him that really pissed him off, but if i knew that it was the last time i was going to get to be along with him i would have NEVER EVER EVER said that, and i wish i could take it back.... so monday came i hadnt heard from him yet and i was thinking he didnt want to see me so i hung out with annie and duffy for about 2 hours then just went home and cried to myself in my bed... but then he called... i was tryin so hard to act like i wasnt crying and he said that he was somewhere with nolan and that he had to go to his meeting thing and stuff but that i could go to dinner with him and his family that night.... well i was sooo upset when i got off the phone because its really hitting me that hes leaving so i just went to hannahs, crying the whole way there, and just talked to her for a while, she cheered me up, and i fell asleep in her bed for a little while... then miss annie called and i just went back over there for a few.... then aaron called and i went to his house, nolan me and him drove in my car while his rents and bro took theirs and we went to get him checked into his hotel. well when we got there there ended up being some meeting he had to go to at 7 so he went to that as we wait over an hour for him.... then we went to dinner, im actually okay through all of this, we went back to his hotel at 9:30 and played eukear (sp?) because he had to be in his room BY 11, everything started off okay, till this one fucking ass hole of a guy decided to walk by and say aaron 20 more minutes, and it hit me so hard, i got sooo quiet, and sad, and i was trying so hard to hold it in.... we stopped play at 10:45, and we walked to the front, i just stood off to the side as he said by to his parents and bro and stuff.... when my turn came i fell apart, he wrapped his arms around me and i grabbed him sooo tight, i didnt want to let go, i couldnt speak, i just cried in his arms. i looked at him twice, thats all i could do, i kissed him twice and once on the neck and then i just had to let go... its just sooo hard.... i know im going to get through this and we will always be in eachothers lives, but i feel like we are forced to rather then wanting too. i wont get to talk to him for 6 weeks, i can write him as much as i want to but he cant respond back to me.... im going to need him sooo much this next month, hes one of my best friends, and i wont be able to even get a letter from him... well this is making me really sad so im going to go ~*Rachael*~ Current Mood: depressed Current Music: underoath

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July 22nd, 2005

02:02 pm - i swear i'll know your face in the crowd, ill hear your voice out loud when your whispering life is soooo good... im very proud of myself and how i handle situations... everyone screws up in life, i faced one of my screw ups, said my sorrys, tried to be as sensere as possible, and WOW i feel so relieved and over everything.. yesterday was a blast... i went to miss annelise's house and me her and chris ran some errands, then we went back to her house, she dressed me up soo hott, i swear since i got a BF i tend to dress in tees alot more then anything else lol, sorry aaron, and then chris headed to work, duffy came over and we went and got miss hannah-lu-lu and then went and met up with annie and ashleys friends bone and joesph and another guy, and then we got some food from the fleet wood dinner... OH SO GOOD and CHEAP, i was excited... then i dropped annie and ash off and hannah and me decided to go to the movie store and rent the movie sleep over, it was sooo good and funny, and we stopped by target, got stuck on these chairs HAHA omgosh i almost peed my pants i was laughing soooo hard... i missed hannah sooo much, i really did, no one will ever be able to replace her in my life and im sure vice versa, we just have this little bond =)... IM SOOO SIKED ABOUT WARP TOUR... its gonna be the last big thing i get to do with my boy, and theres going to be soooo many great bands there, and ahhhh its just gonna be the sheit... NOTHING will be able to ruin that day =) i miss natalie, i havnt seen her in a couple days... i miss my bestest too but she shall be here soon enough then its nothing but awesome times... well ta ta for now ~*Rachael*~ Current Mood: chipper skipper Current Music: Blindside

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July 20th, 2005

12:16 pm - My, nickels have turned to white, theres not turning back tonight, so KISS me one last time!!!!!!!! in 13 days, hes gone, he will have left for the airforce.... its been so long since i have last updated, and yeah lots has happend but im not gonna do a whole thing about that lol... pretty much i have been working, i love my job, i love it even more now that natalie works with me!!! erica V is moving up here in less then a month, her and natalie are moving into an apartment together, and i made a deal with my rents that if i can prove i can keep my grades up and save money that i can move out and they support it, because if i just jump into it they will be sooo against me and i will only screw myself because they wont be there for me very much, they will pretty much throw me on my own... me and aaron had an interesting time period in our relationship... for about a month things got soo screwed up, but now they have all come back together... we laugh all the time now and just do random stuff, we have the kinda fun now that we did in the beginning before things got mixedup... im seriously going to miss him SOOOOO much... i dont know how to deal just yet with it all. i support his choice 200%, i think on the selfish side, i know its going to be hard and im going to be super sad and i will miss having him there so that piece doesnt want him to go.... but everything happens for a reason. i know i will be able to move on one day because this whole time i have known im going to need to when he leaves... its just going to be sooo weird i think about the times when he comes back for visits. we will never be where we are right now in life together ever again. we are both going to have changed a little, because time does that to people... i just hope that no matter what we are always friends... damn now im getting sad so i done with all that.... anywho, oh yeah, theres a person out there in LJ world, that i would really appreciate a call from because honestly we both really should talk, so please set everything aside for just a little bit and please call so i can say to you the things i really want and need to.. thank you!!! ~*Rachael*~ ************************************************************************** Can you feel your heart beat racing Can u taste the fear in her sweat? We've done this wrong we're too far gone These sheets tell of regret i admit that im just a fool for you Here is where we both go wrong Tonight's your last chance to do exactlly what u wanted to And this could be my night this is what makes me feel alive Makes you feel alive ********************* I heard a voice through the discord. A deluge of passersby I saw one gaze frozen in time watching me passing by. I swear I'll know you're face in the crowd and I'll hear your voice so loud when you're whispering ********************* 12th and hyde on a sunday Feeling like were grown And we're nothing short of invincible It starts again Can you feel it It takes your breath away Stop saying that we're invincible (its round and round) You’re uninviting, unrewarding And I'm misinforming you Misinforming you Reaching out for a hand Its not here But your not here Your not here Current Mood: Happy, and sad Current Music: Underoath... the whole "there only chasing safety" CD

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June 21st, 2005

08:58 pm - Time always flys, but what happens as yours passes is....... soooo its been a while...not really gonna relapse to much... i have given up on two people who will no longer be in my life... hey now theres room for two more =) Last night me and aaron just chilled. it was great. I dunno we played a game or two of pool but then i just layed across the couch and he layed on the floor. so much has changed since our beginning. we started to talk about past times, and how when everything was sooo new, it was soo great. we were random and had the funnest moments. but ever since i found out he was leaving, everything changed because i changed. i want to take it back. i miss how we used to be, i want it back. i know its not too late, hes not leaving for another month and like 15 days or soo...we shall see what happens.... well i hope everyones doing good... ~*Rachael*~ Current Mood: sick Current Music: mariah carry

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June 14th, 2005

10:46 am - can you feel your heart beat racing.............. last week was craziness for me and my confusion, but im not gonna talk about that anymore... weekend was good...me and nat and aaron and nolan went to a party friday... before i left i get a call from derek, BIG surprise because i havnt talked to him in FOREVER, not that i didnt miss him, but yeah i couldnt talk, so he called me saturday and we talked for like an hour. saturday, i woke aaron up and we had a LONG talk, it was great, a much needed one, then my brother asked me and him to take him to vahalla for this thingy that was going on so we both were like fine, we just chilled there watching wubbles play and he just would wrap his arms around me and i was ready to just fall asleep with him lol.... as for saturday night i decided to stay in....wish i hadnt because sooo many people called me with stuff to do, but oh well lol, or so i tell myself. sunday i went to open houses with people, then chilled at bobs for a few with brandon jeff and joe. then went home and had a dinner date with my ben hidy, it was sooo nice i missed him and we got to talk about sooo much stuff. then we stopped by aarons for a few, it wasnt weird but i just didnt know how to balance my BF and my good guy friend when they dont know eachother, but it was fine, yesterday... well aaron and me went to lunch. i got a call from office max where they interviewed me, saying he would like to hire me starting at 7.50 an hour...i was sooooo excited YESSSSS... then i went home and cleaned the kitchen and derek called and him mom invited me over for dinner because she was making my all time favorite cheesy potatoes YUM.... me and derek had an interesting talk about his life. then i went to aarons. i was sooo sad because aaron was upset about something that im not gonna get into. but he really made me think about how a certain person treats me in my life and its crazy how much he cared, hes seriously was sooo angry and its weird because i should be the one thinking and feeling how he does, but im too nice and blinde myself sometimes. ANYWAYS, that got long, sorry its been a while...ill ttyl ~*Rachael*~ Current Mood: cheerful Current Music: underoath

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